It has been too long since the time I gave humans My commandments, and My angels are now complaining about too many infractions to My laws. Amendments have thus become necessary in order to allow My mortal creatures to properly implement My commandments.
Anyhow, since we managed to go for a few millennia on clear instructions, we shall keep it simple and be more liberal about some of their material applications. No point in programming a new inspired Messiah: he would end up in an institution under medication as soon as they could find him. We shall instead circulate them on the Web; that should be sufficient; such is My will!
1 Thou shalt have no other gods before Me
… unless, and only if, you belong to a sect. Those who do not listen to your preacher, as beasts you shall consider.
Insults you shall heap upon them and you will be allowed to slaughter them if they persist in deviating from the road that I have traced for you.
2 Thou shalt not make false idols
… unless it is for the purpose of shedding your pride as you bow down before them in gratitude. Or else to shell out your alms, for My temple to pride itself on your faith’s obvious wealth.
3 Thou shalt not take My name in vain
… but shall call out to me at all times in order to be favored over other sects. You shall wish for thunderbolts, floods, wars, epidemics, volcanic eruptions or hurricanes to strike your neighbor rather than you. At war, as on the field, may your team win in every respect; my people shall be victorious!
4 Remember to keep holy the Sabbath Day
… and if you must work, overtime pay you shall demand and paid holidays you shall expect, without ever forgetting My eighth and last commandments.
5 Honor thy father and thy mother: so that you may live a long life
… but on week-ends only, and separately. Their habits and judgments you shall adopt as you sink into the groove of time. Their assets and politics you shall inherit and faithfully hand them down to your children, thus perpetuating My commandments.
6 Thou shalt not kill
If you must starve and impoverish other nations so that their resources you may enjoy, you shall apply yourself in such case to inflict upon them a slow death.
And were they to covet your accumulated wealth, you shall be excepted from the rule and allowed to punish them with the fire from Heaven.
7 Thou shalt not commit adultery
… except in thought. On flesh from magazines or TV, you shall be allowed to binge and to the cult of body you may devote yourself. For thee, she or he shall dance naked, since to bodies without a soul this commandment shan’t apply.
8 Thou shalt not steal
… but, against a salary, you shall be allowed to strip workers and colonized from their possessions. In My name, a profit you shall demand for any help provided, were it to be useless. As for those concerned by My second commandment, I donate you their labor for free.
9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
… but you shall be allowed to freely divulge whatever he may do or think, according to rumors or to the direction in which the wind blows. You shall interpret his actions, your ignorance vouching for your objectivity and were your judgment happen to be false, you shall still consider him suspect.
10 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods, home or wife
… unless it were to subject them to your trade, thus making through their labor your capital grow. The proceeds of his labor you shall take against hard currency or its equivalent.